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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2