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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
Jail is just the government`s way of sending you to your room.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe