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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.