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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.