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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.