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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...