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I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.