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I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!