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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"