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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.