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"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.