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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...