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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Lazy Rule #23 :No Shower Is Needed, If your Not Going Anywhere...
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.