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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.