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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.