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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.