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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.