Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.