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My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
That moment when being uncool, is cool
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional