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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....