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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools