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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".