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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.