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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
only fights if pillows are present.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.