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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.