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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.