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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
Gym update: not there
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
I never finish anyth...............
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.