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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.