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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.