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I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`