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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.