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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
This status is mine....I licked it.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave