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What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"