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I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.