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Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)