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People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours