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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
who`s smart idea wus it to name a monkey Donkey Kong??
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what