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Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.