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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!