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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.