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I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome