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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
You trust me holding your child? Do you know how many iPhone screens I’ve cracked?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"