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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?