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Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I hope to get to the point in my life where Iām not excited about finding change on the ground.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)