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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?