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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Not so great minds also think alike.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.