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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
exercise........you mean extra fries
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.