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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.