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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.