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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.