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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...