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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.