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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson