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Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.