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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time