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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Match dot com, but for socks.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."