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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..