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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.