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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.