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I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
My inner self is in Photoshop
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
I need more people like me in my life
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?