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It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.