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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.