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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL