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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!