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On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.