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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.