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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone