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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.