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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?