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When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.