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"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?