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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.