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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!