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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands