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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window