Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.