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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.