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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"