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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!