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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.