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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.